I have a bit of a thing about notebooks, they don’t have to be fancy though nice of course if they are. Though when I say a thing, I am not sure what I mean. I know rather like myself, I like to have more than one on the go at any one time! I should re-phrase that before bad assumptions are made about me, what I mean is in my life I seem to like to have several things not men going on at one time! Phew…with that all cleared up I will safely go back to the notebooks. Oh you weren’t thinking that were you!
In every single notebook I have similar collections of notes, as you do of course! Recipes, to do lists, business idea’s, costings, more lists, Christmas present and cards lists (I told you we were talking old notebooks!), lists from webinars, important notes to remember with doodles to accompany them and now no clue as to what they really mean, shopping lists, blog post idea’s, checking off list to be honest the list pardon the pun goes on and on.
I always feel like I am an organised chaotic person, yes there is such a thing it is me! In some way’s I am organised but I feel like I live a chaotic life. My notebooks are evidence to this. Over the last few years of notebooks, I flick through them and see a pattern. It repeats itself, the same lists, the same trying to go forward (okay I won’t be too hard on myself I have gone forward but not enough), the same wanting to improve, learning snippets and idea’s to succeed in things I have dropped now as I felt they failed.
Then I find the one, my oldest notebook (I think) that I have. Age 20, yes I know let me go on then you will know why I kept it. So age 20, panic attacks consumed me. I worked, walked my life saving dog Josh, I cooked, I ate, I slept, I breathe just! I existed lets say, so I decided to do a confidence building course. As surely if you have confidence you can beat the panic attacks, you can learn to appreciate yourself, you can stomp on thoughts that you are allowing people to put in your head.
As I look through what I have written it is only notes that we have taken, there are a few snippets of how I was feeling then. I look at the now and know despite I guess I am hard on myself I realise how far I have come. I may still be chasing the same lists, using my notebooks in the same way, I may be currently reading a ‘How to be confident’ book but I know from then, I have indeed moved so far forward.
I know that I would never again let anyone take my life away while I was still living like then. Perhaps why I kept the notebook, the course really was not much use. The information at the time was not strong enough to have effect, it took another 5 years.
But my other notebooks, I need to also break the pattern. As in those notebooks are a reflection of my life or more to the point the chaos that resides in my head. I know I need to break the pattern and it may well be buying some more notebooks!
Do you keep old notebooks and read through them seeing the same pattern?
My sister once wrote this in a beautiful notebook she gave me. It so beautiful I have not used it. Strangely I did not find the poem inside for a long time as the page had stuck together and just read the message on the next page that said ‘Or somewhere to scribble your good, bad and mad idea’s’ .
Collect ideas that are bright
And all such things that seem right
And then you will see all around you
Clouds of happiness surrounding you
Just remember this my dear friend
If you want to have fun till the end
Then you must search and try to find
A free spot lying in your own mind
Where you can gather thoughts that are new
Which gives you peace of mind that is true
Where you can have ideas that are bright
And all such things that seems right
And you can see joy around you
With clouds of happiness
I am not sure who wrote the poem or indeed did she? I think I will use the beautiful notebook my sister gave me as the poem says!
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