overacuppa.co.uk » Life » December and Me
December and Me
Image credit
December is a funny month for me. I love it and don’t love it in equal measures. I love the thought of Christmas, just relaxing (yes I aim to relax at Christmas) the yummy food, time together, yes presents but I actually do enjoy giving more than receiving though don’t let that stop you of course 
As I paid for my two advent calendars on the 29th (not bad!) I suddenly felt I was going to pass out. Just getting over a virus and one that keeps being there, going and coming back again could be the answer. But knowing my body as I do, (and sometimes it is so frustrating) my feeling of passing out was the reminder of panic attacks.
Despite not consciously thinking about it I can almost guarantee in December I will have panic attacks (we are talking real ones here) and like yesterday something happening like extreme tummy pain that I think I will end up in hospital. Yes it’s mad I know but my first thoughts are always I need to make sure the children have a fantastic Christmas. Secondly I haven’t got the shopping and no matter how good a shopper my husband is he will not do a stocking quite like me!!!
I am making fun of myself here, humour always a good cover, am I right? But my fear comes from something so deep that I know even now 21 years on I have yet to beat it.
The fact that 21 years ago my Mum hadn’t wrapped our stocking presents, the fact I was cross, yes cross she hadn’t wrapped my brothers things up. Yes he was 16, silly I know. The fact that Christmas day was the weirdest and most surreal day of my life. The walking of my dog with just my brother and Dad at the race course. Did we have Christmas dinner, I can’t remember. The fact my Mum died 3 days later. Is the fact that every December I panic.
I not going to pretend I am not crying here, because sometimes it good to do just that.
Right blown my nose, re-grouped thoughts.
I also love December because my children do. I love walking on the beach and wishing people happy Christmas. I love Christmas cake! I love the Christmas tree and sitting under it handing out presents. I love our Christmas evening picnic on the floor, to repeat on Boxing day ( I mean another picnic not repeating the food!!!). I love doing Christmas baking on Christmas eve. I love going for a walk in the evening and looking at all the lovely Christmas tree’s. I love a glass of sherry. I love Boxing day. I love stockings! I love long walks and coming home to warm up with cake and tea by the tree. I love buying presents. I love the smell of Christmas. I love going to our local garden centre and buying a new decoration for the children’s tree’s and one to send to my nephew in New Zealand. I love decorating the Christmas tree. I love putting my stain glass candle holder on the kitchen window sill, the one I gave to my mum.
As you can see there is a lot I love about December. Typing this out makes me know that there is. So perhaps that in this post I will cross out in my mind that I love and not love December in equal measures. Perhaps I love it a bit more than I don’t.
Here is to a nice relaxed December, my tummy is twinging a bit but not so much.
My December 1st picture 
8 Responses to "December and Me"
Leave a Reply
Facebook
Twitter
Thanks for sharing. It’s a funny thing being a mum we are almost entirely responsibly for making Christmas happen. That and the memory of your mum would be enough to make Dec a mixed up month for you. As you know I’m in a bit of a strange positiion this Christmas and my main concern at the moment is making sure the kids have a good Christmas. Let’s all turn to the Internet for the therapy and r n r that we all need at this time of year.
Yes a bit of r n r is exactly what we need. Christmas and making it happen does seem to fall on us or perhaps we just think it does. Or us giving our ‘Mum’ position more of a importance!!! Your strange position will come right for you x and so will Christmas xxx Thanks for commenting
You’ve been so wonderfully supportive to me Ali as I go through the first year without my mum. I’ve been looking back over my blog today and it hit me so much that the seasons impact on the whole process of grieving. The run up to Christmas must be so tough, what purple mum said about mums making Christmas happen is so true. I really hope you can make enough time and space to do it in the way you want to, and enjoy it, without anxieties taking over
xxx
Thanks Penny, that means a lot to me. Though I think you see things the way I do, little signs right or wrong it is good to think like that. I know your Christmas will be a tough one for you this year but I also know you will be fine too
xxx
I feel this pain with you so acutely at the moment and my mum only died last year. I know that I will get through it, but it is hard to figure out how. How strange that we were both writing similar posts at the same time
I know you do and yes you will get through it. I wasn’t planning on writing it but came up to get something I was about to walk the dogs and just began typing, then crying, then sorting myself out! It was a good therapy post just like yours. Bottling it up really doesn’t help. That and knock on of events took away a good part of my life. You can’t pretend not to be sad as Penny said in a post last week, if your grieving it because you have loved and cared for someone and have happy memories. Those are the ones to hold on to but I know that can be easier said than done. xxx
been meaning to comment since reading this yesterday. Not sure if I have any useful to add, most of the other commenters are much wiser than me.
But wanted to send love and hug. It is a lot of effort and it does often just fall to mum but when it goes well its wonderful. You have so many positives, so many things you love about December – I hope you can take pleasure from those and that sharing will get some stuff out and be beneficial for you.
I enjoy Xmas but my own top tip, is do it on line – avoid the shops, crowded, noisy, terrible music, a slight anxious atmosphere – the worst aspect of xmas.
keep posting about the good and the difficult stuff – best wishes to you for December xx
Thanks Gemma, it was a nice therapy post to do. Sometimes I work things through whilst I am typing. I didn’t even as such plan it. As you can see nose blowing included (!) sorry about that as if you all needed visions of snotty tissues!!! I do actually love Christmas when it is here, both my children are already on high energy in excitement. Yes crowded shops are a nightmare and don’t mix well with anxiety. Thanks for your wishes xxx