December is a funny month for me. I love it and don’t love it in equal measures. I love the thought of Christmas, just relaxing (yes I aim to relax at Christmas) the yummy food, time together, yes presents but I actually do enjoy giving more than receiving though don’t let that stop you of course
As I paid for my two advent calendars on the 29th (not bad!) I suddenly felt I was going to pass out. Just getting over a virus and one that keeps being there, going and coming back again could be the answer. But knowing my body as I do, (and sometimes it is so frustrating) my feeling of passing out was the reminder of panic attacks.
Despite not consciously thinking about it I can almost guarantee in December I will have panic attacks (we are talking real ones here) and like yesterday something happening like extreme tummy pain that I think I will end up in hospital. Yes it’s mad I know but my first thoughts are always I need to make sure the children have a fantastic Christmas. Secondly I haven’t got the shopping and no matter how good a shopper my husband is he will not do a stocking quite like me!!!
I am making fun of myself here, humour always a good cover, am I right? But my fear comes from something so deep that I know even now 21 years on I have yet to beat it.
The fact that 21 years ago my Mum hadn’t wrapped our stocking presents, the fact I was cross, yes cross she hadn’t wrapped my brothers things up. Yes he was 16, silly I know. The fact that Christmas day was the weirdest and most surreal day of my life. The walking of my dog with just my brother and Dad at the race course. Did we have Christmas dinner, I can’t remember. The fact my Mum died 3 days later. Is the fact that every December I panic.
I not going to pretend I am not crying here, because sometimes it good to do just that.
Right blown my nose, re-grouped thoughts.
I also love December because my children do. I love walking on the beach and wishing people happy Christmas. I love Christmas cake! I love the Christmas tree and sitting under it handing out presents. I love our Christmas evening picnic on the floor, to repeat on Boxing day ( I mean another picnic not repeating the food!!!). I love doing Christmas baking on Christmas eve. I love going for a walk in the evening and looking at all the lovely Christmas tree’s. I love a glass of sherry. I love Boxing day. I love stockings! I love long walks and coming home to warm up with cake and tea by the tree. I love buying presents. I love the smell of Christmas. I love going to our local garden centre and buying a new decoration for the children’s tree’s and one to send to my nephew in New Zealand. I love decorating the Christmas tree. I love putting my stain glass candle holder on the kitchen window sill, the one I gave to my mum.
As you can see there is a lot I love about December. Typing this out makes me know that there is. So perhaps that in this post I will cross out in my mind that I love and not love December in equal measures. Perhaps I love it a bit more than I don’t.
Here is to a nice relaxed December, my tummy is twinging a bit but not so much.