I have last Monday’s photo’s still waiting in a folder. Again I am here apoligising to you. It is me not you! If this were a relationship you would of dumped me. Whilst, I will be truly honest with you I am struggling to be in the zone in this space right now. Perhaps we need a break, what I hear you say…I thought you were on a break!
*delete several paragraphs. *pause to wonder what to type..
You, get me *advise self to move away…a few more day’s without publishing will not matter. *But you edited the photo’s already…yeah but now I am here I not sure what I want to put.
*pauses again…twiddles fingers, wipes tears…reaches for tissues, amazing I have a pack of tissues at my desk and not a rolled up piece of old loo roll! *Pats self on back…congratulates self for being organinsed…or at the very least finding pack of tissues yesterday and placing them on desk..must of known I needed them.
Valentines day bought me several things. Some good, some bad, as I type here now I realise in the back of my mind one of the reasons my brain perhaps is not functioning properly. Flowers and wine were rather nice, a step in the right direction for Bex in the first assessment for Aspergers/Autism finally. A phone call from my Dad, to tell me the results of his scan. That he also has lung cancer. Though I am going to remain positive, there is also a sadness that my Dad and I have never as such been close. Growing up, I always wanted to get noticed by him. When old enough I would make him fancy looking salads for when he came back late from the office. I would make him coffee and walnut sponge cakes but I always seem to remain under his radar of attention. Going back to the step we are taking with Bex, I now reflect and think within myself that could be the reason my Dad did not ever favour me. Despite, most of my other family always did thankfully, or a messed up human I really would be!
As I chatted to him on the phone on Saturday, his wife was hurrying him to get off the phone because they were going somewhere. I realised then that what ever the outcome of my Dad’s treatment, I would never get noticed or even appreciated as the person I am. We would never have the same relationship, I had with my Mum and even my grandparents. Which makes me feel truly sad. *reaches for handy tissues…pats self on back for being organised and not needing to drip tears and snot on keyboard!
So, of course this blog post wasn’t how I planned. But, I am here now and don’t think I have left you anything to take away. except an explanation. I am not a pity poster *cause hell if I was, I would have blog fodder for a few decades but I am not thankfully.
I just needed to get that out of my head. I know I will have some stuff on the table to share over a cuppa soon. But, right now I am going to excuse myself from this space. Give myself a break *I know that is not a kick ass blogger attitude but I think we can all agree I am no kick ass blogger. But I am a kick ass Mum, wife, friend, dog owner…and I am sure many other things I kick ass on…but right now not here.