Blogging, sadness & kick ass’ing where I can

 

yellow-rosesI have last Monday’s photo’s still waiting in a folder. Again I am here apoligising to you. It is me not you! If this were a relationship you would of dumped me. Whilst, I will be truly honest with you I am struggling to be in the zone in this space right now. Perhaps we need a break, what I hear you say…I thought you were on a break!

*delete several paragraphs. *pause to wonder what to type..

You, get me *advise self to move away…a few more day’s without publishing will not matter. *But you edited the photo’s already…yeah but now I am here I not sure what I want to put.

*pauses again…twiddles fingers, wipes tears…reaches for tissues, amazing I have a pack of tissues at my desk and not a rolled up piece of old loo roll! *Pats self on back…congratulates self for being organinsed…or at the very least finding pack of tissues yesterday and placing them on desk..must of known I needed them.

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Valentines day bought me several things. Some good, some bad, as I type here now I realise in the back of my mind one of the reasons my brain perhaps is not functioning properly. Flowers and wine were rather nice, a step in the right direction for Bex in the first assessment for Aspergers/Autism finally. A phone call from my Dad, to tell me the results of his scan. That he also has lung cancer. Though I am going to remain positive, there is also a sadness that my Dad and I have never as such been close. Growing up, I always wanted to get noticed by him. When old enough I would make him fancy looking salads for when he came back late from the office. I would make him coffee and walnut sponge cakes but I always seem to remain under his radar of attention. Going back to the step we are taking with Bex, I now reflect and think within myself that could be the reason my Dad did not ever favour me. Despite, most of my other family always did thankfully, or a messed up human I really would be!

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As I chatted to him on the phone on Saturday, his wife was hurrying him to get off the phone because they were going somewhere. I realised then that what ever the outcome of my Dad’s treatment, I would never get noticed or even appreciated as the person I am. We would never have the same relationship, I had with my Mum and even my grandparents.  Which makes me feel truly sad. *reaches for handy tissues…pats self on back for being organised and not needing to drip tears and snot on keyboard!

So, of course this blog post wasn’t how I planned. But, I am here now and don’t think I have left you anything to take away. except an explanation. I am not a pity poster *cause hell if I was, I would have blog fodder for a few decades but I am not thankfully.

love-Kit

I just needed to get that out of my head. I know I will have some stuff on the table to share over a cuppa soon. But, right now I am going to excuse myself from this space. Give myself a break *I know that is not a kick ass blogger attitude but I think we can all agree I am no kick ass blogger. But I am a kick ass Mum, wife, friend, dog owner…and I am sure many other things I kick ass on…but right now not here.

 

 

 

 

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4 comments on “Blogging, sadness & kick ass’ing where I can

  1. Penny
    February 21, 2017 at 8:20 pm

    Sending you huge hugs. It’s hard to be honest and this must have been so tough to write. What a mixed up bunch of emotions and situations to tackle. I think you kick ass, always have done. I hope you’re not away too long. One of my children had a dyslexia diagnosis and we are getting to the bottom of other stuff too – it is exhausting advocating for kids isn’t it. I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. Massive hug x

    • Ali
      February 21, 2017 at 8:30 pm

      Thank you Penny, I really appreciate all that especially that you think I kick ass! All joking aside (best weapon sometimes, right?) I know you get the rest though gladly for you, not the relationship bit..or lack of it! I am sorry you have stuff going on, yes negotiating our kids stuff and our own can be exhausting. I am and also Bex, relieved at this process, simply it will answer so much and a better future and understanding we can build. So though it is hard probably for you right now, early intervention will save a lot of heartache later. You take care and thank you again xxx

  2. Jen Walshaw
    February 27, 2017 at 8:05 pm

    Ali, I have had this page open a week. I wanted to say something monumental or funny that would make you happy, but it turns out that isn’t me! I think you are amazing. I know how hard it can be getting through day to day life and everything else. Mini is hard work and I too find it exhausting advocating for him. Anyway, ending love and understanding

    • Ali
      February 27, 2017 at 8:26 pm

      Ahhh you succeeded, this comment did make me happy. That really means so much to me truly. Life is a roller coaster of emotions, I feel probably like you I have been dished out more than my fair share of the not so great stuff but we are still here. Both clearly with the same hearts, as I do that, wait and wait trying to compose exactly how to say something when things are well trickier. Sorry that Mini is hard work for you currently, it does get easier or at least some days. Thank you again for stopping by, it really does mean a lot. xxx

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